Conversations Between a Doctor and a Vampire
by Goober Collins
Summary: The private discussions that Julia and Barnabas hold when they think there are no bugs in the room.
1. Friends

Conversations Between a Doctor and a Vampire

**Conversations Between a Doctor and a Vampire**

**By ACDude800**

"Julia!"

"Yes, Barnabas?"

"Make me a sammich."

"No."

"Why?"

"I'm not your maid, Barnabas."

"No, you're not, you're my cook."

"Get one of your whores to cook for you."

"You know what happened the last time Vicki was in the kitchen!"

"Yes, I remember. And I remember when Maggie was in the kitchen, when Roxanne was in the kitchen, and when all your hos were in the kitchen at some point or another."

...

"So, will you make me a sammich?"

"I already told you that I wouldn't, Barnabas."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Pretty please with blood on top?"

"**No**."

"Fine."

"Good."

"Will you at least get me a sody pop?"

"No, Barnabas, I won't get you a soda pop, either."

"You're mean, Julia."

"Yes, I am."

"I bet you're a mean, gay lesbian."

"Yes, Barnabas, as a matter of fact, pursuing this pointless crush on you for so many damned years and you being such an enormous pain in my ass by never responding to it at all has turned me into a mean, gay lesbian!"

"All gay people are mean, you know."

"That's a rude stereotype, Barnabas."

"Roger's mean."

"Roger's not gay."

"Uh-_huh_."

"Roger's not gay."

"Burke Devlin told me he was. How do you know?"

"Mrs. Johnson told me."

"And how does she know?"

"From experience."

"Burke Devlin said the same thing."

"Indeed."

"Everyone at the Blue Whale is mean."

"Barnabas, the Blue Whale may be a gay bar, but it's the only bar in town, which means that a lot of non-gay people go there, too."

"You'd say that, since you're gay."

"I am not gay, Barnabas."

"Uh-_huh_."

"There are times when I intensely hate you, do you know that, Barnabas?"

"No."

"The reason gay people are mean to you is because everyone's mean to you, because you're an asshole."

"Do you know who else is an asshole?"

"Barnabas, if the next sentence involves the words 'Roger,' 'Burke,' and 'experience,' I'm leaving."

"Damn."

"Damn straight."

"Damn gay."

"What is wrong with you?"

"My mother was an alcoholic and my father never loved me."

"Oh, no, you don't. Elizabeth may have fallen for that after you had to apologize for feeling up Carolyn at the dinner party last month, but I won't."

"Julia, make me a sammich."

"For the last damn time, Barnabas-"

"I'll give you a hug if you do."

"Okay, Barnabas."

--

**This definitely wasn't a Dan Curtis Production**

I claim no ownership of Dark Shadows or any of its characters, nor any affiliation with DCP, MPI, or any other DS-related company. This story is strictly written for fun, not profit.


	2. This Old House

"Did you bring my sammich, Julia?"

"Yes, Barnabas. Here it is."

...

"It's tasty, Julia."

"Thank you, Barnabas."

...

"Ahem."

"What?"

"My hug, Barnabas?"

"Oh, right."

...

"Barnabas, what the hell was that?"

"A hug."

"You tapped me on the shoulders."

"It was a hug."

"No, it wasn't."

"Yes, it was."

"I hate you."

"We've covered that ground before, Julia."

"I know that as well as you do, you nincompoop."

"If I'm a nincompoop and you know stuff as well as I do, doesn't that mean you're a nincompoop, too?"

"Shut it, fangs n' bangs."

...

"Barnabas."

...

"Barnabas."

...

"Barnabas, stop watching TV and pay attention to me."

...

"**Barnabas**."

"What is it, Ju- hey, what are you doing with my sammich?"

"Barnabas, you can take this 'sammich' and shove it up your-."

"Is this some kind of gay thing?"

"What the hell?"

"You are a lesbian, after all."

"I am not a lesbian."

"You're a mean lesbian."

"Barnabas, we're repeating ourselves again."

"Oh, right. You're an _ugly_ lesbian, not a hot one like the witch from band camp."

"_Tch_. Watching _Buffy_ again, are you?"

"Yes. The babes are bodacious."

"Barnabas, that's not the way people talk these days."

"As a 25-year-old hepcat, I declare that they do."

"Barnabas, no one believes that you're 25."

"Your mom."

"Been surfing the web and talking to those crazy forum people again?"

"Yes."

"Had a feeling."

"All your base are belong to me, Julia."

"It wasn't funny the first 500 times, and it's not funny now, Barnabas?"

"Not even the version with Obama, Clinton, and Palin?"

"No."

"I forgot you had a crush on Hillary Clinton."

"I do not have a crush on Hillary Clinton."

"Yes, you do."

"Look who's talking."

"What'chu'talkin'bout'Julia?"

"That's not funny either."

"Oh."

"I'm referring to your idiotic passion for Angelique."

"Blame your twin's husband."

"You say that for everything."

"Blame Jeff's twin."

"Which one?"

"The actor one."

"Well."

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going back to my tube-watching."

"Fine. See if I care."

"Julia, how does the TV work if there's no electricity in the Old House?"

"The times when the power goes out are directly synced to when Adam falls off the giant hamster wheel in the basement."

"What keeps it running, then?"

"That methane generator I brought in."

"Ah. Adam does poop a lot, doesn't he?"

"You are so incredibly juvenile that it frequently astounds me."

"Does that make me a badass, Julia?"

...

"Dear God in Heaven, other than murdering my best friend, what did I do to deserve this?"

--

Hello all, ACDude800, otherwise known as GooberCollins, here. Yes, I do find this pointless drivel amusing. Yes, I am updating after just two days, under ten views, and one review (thanks!). These (admittedly stupid) fanfictions are based on (highly) caricatured impressions of Barnabas and Julia that I frequently do in my real life when I'm feeling random. Hope you enjoy them. Oh, and no, I don't think Grayson Hall is ugly - this is merely a bit I use in my mocking of Barnabas and his refusal to have anything to do with Julia.

**This was sure as hell not a Dan Curtis Production**

I claim no ownership of Dark Shadows or any of its characters, nor any affiliation with DCP, MPI, or any other DS-related company. This story is strictly written for fun, not profit.


	3. Death Note

**Author's Note**: Sorry for taking so long with this chapter. I've made it extra-long to make up for the wait. I've also introduced a new convention of naming each chapter after a TV show, or at least a parody of a show's title. Anyway, enjoy the story.

**HOW TO USE IT**

**READ IT, BITCHES.**

"**Julia!**"

"Yes, Barnabas?"

"Did you write 'Barnabas Sucks Eggs' on my car?"

"Heavens no, what gave you that idea?"

"It says 'Julia wuz here' on the other side."

"It must have been Willie."

"What?"

"Willie. William Julia Loomis."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Julia is Willie's middle name."

"That's _retarded_."

"That's a non-PC term, Barnabas."

"Whatever."

"Anyway, Willie probably wrote on your car as a Halloween prank."

"Really?"

"Or as **vengeance** for you never responding to his affections!"

Julia laughed maniacally.

"Julia, I don't think that Willie is in love with me."

"Yes, I highly doubt he is..."

"It was probably a Halloween prank, like you said, Julia."

"_Yes_, Barnabas, _Willie_ pulled a Halloween prank on you for _no reason at all_."

Julia laughed maniacally again.

"Stop it, Julia, that's creepy."

"No creepier than your Lolicon, Barnabas."

"I don't have a Lolita complex, Julia."

"Yes, that's why you're seeing Dr. Hartley every week."

"Indeed."

"So, Halloween is coming up, Barnabas."

"I'm going trick-or-treating with the other younglies."

"Looking for a new girlfriend, are you?"

"...You're just _mean_, Julia."

"Yes, Barnabas, I take pleasure in being mean to you."

"I don't like you."

"I know that."

"Let's change the subject, Julia. Angelique wrote a book."

"Oh, really?"

"Yes, I found the rough draft of it in her room."

"What were you doing in Angelique's room, Barnabas?"

"Errr..."

"You were going through her panties, weren't you?"

"Anyway, Angelique wrote a book."

"Go on."

"We get engaged."

"_Please_ go on."

"But I cheat on you with a woman who looks exactly like her before we're together."

"_I'm going to kill that bitch._"

"What, Julia?"

"Nothing, please go on."

"She ends up going steady with David."

"What the hell, Barnabas?"

"I know."

**HOW TO USE IT**

**The human whose name is written in this notebook shall die.**

"Barnabas, speaking of David, I saw him running around with a little black notebook, constantly scribbling names into it."

"Little weirdo."

"Yes, quite. He told me it was his murder book or something like that, and that his grim reaper friend was going to kill everyone who was mean to him."

"Did you steal the book?"

"Yes."

"...I was kidding."

"I wasn't."

"What's worse, stealing from little kids or pursuing girls who at least _look_ legal?"

"Barnabas, it's David."

"Oh, that's true."

"So, let's go write some names in it and see what happens."

"Cool beans, Julia."

**HOW TO USE IT**

**Respect its authoritas.**

"What name should we write first, Barnabas?"

"Oh, Julia, let's kill that Eric Cartman boy who lives down the street."

"No, Barnabas, I like watching him beat up Willie."

"I do, too. That's out. Hey, kill Roger."

"Why, Barnabas?"

"Because of those mean things he said about me at Thanksgiving last year."

"Don't talk about those, Barnabas."

"Why, Julia?"

"We can't give away our Thanksgiving Special Episode™."

"Oh, how true."

"Anyway, Barnabas, call out the people you think we should try to kill."

"Okay, Julia."

**HOW TO USE IT**

**Hush when the lion's on the phone.**

"Steve Jobs! Bill Gates!"

"Barnabas, killing either of them would upset the delicate balance between good and evil."

"Al Gore! Rush Limbaugh!"

"Do you really want to release that much hot air from the world at one time?"

"John Riccitello!"

"Who's that?"

"The CEO of EA Games. His games infected my PC with spyware."

"Not fun enough for me. I'm fine with just the non-spyware base game of _The Sims 2_."

"This is no fun, Julia."

"I concur, Barnabas."

"Let's go play that Simmy game."

"Okay."

**HOW TO USE IT**

**Take a potato chip... AND EAT IT!**

"Julia?"

"Yes, Barnabas?"

"What is woohoo, and why does your Sim remember doing it with mine?"

"..."

**This was more than likely not a Dan Curtis Production.**

**I claim no ownership or association with Dark Shadows, The Bob Newhart Show, Death Note, The Sims 2, or their respective creators and copyright owners. No offense is intended to any of Barnabas's intended victims and his murderous desires do not reflect my own.**


End file.
